Friday, November 26, 2021

My (brief) Adoration Testimony

A friend asked regular adorers to summarize our thoughts on Eucharistic Adoration for our church bulletin. Here's mine: Before committing to a regular adoration slot I would stop in when struggling. Jesus lent a quiet ear. I’d pour out my worries and come away lighter. Eventually I felt drawn. Will you not stay awake one hour?


There’s countless ways to adore. I’m reminded of the farmer in St Vianney’s parish that would sit for hours before the monstrance. When asked what he was doing all that time he replied simply, “I look at Him and He looks at me.” 

Though I have tried to employ this advice of less chatter and more gazing in wonder and awe, I frequently find my mind wandering into list making or studying the rug pattern. Once, I decided to combat this tendency by saying the name of Jesus to myself each time I began to wander away. Eventually I was repeating His name over and over in rapid succession when I was interrupted by an amused and kindly presence. Jesus said to my heart, “Stop saying My name so that you can hear Me say yours.” 

There is nothing lovelier than hearing our name from the very lips of our beloved. 

Go to Him. He waits for you. 



Sunday, June 13, 2021

Behold your Mother




After consecration to Mary, many in my prayer group were led to do an informal study of Marian apparitions through history. To cull the list, we stuck to those that have withstood Vatican vetting. I seek to summarize what I've learned and to plant a seed for further study. We were led on a beautiful journey of discovery that culminated in a field trip to the Miraculous Medal Shrine in Perryville where we were invested in the medal. 

It was after the trip that I learned there is a local farmer that claims to have regular visions of Our Lady on the 13th of every month (today!) at the grotto on this site, for nearly 20 years. I can't speak to the authenticity of this claim, nor do I think it has yet met the requirements for even local approval, but I can attest, that the shrine is bearing great spiritual fruit. It is holy ground. Here's a link if you wish to read more: Divine Mysteries

First we studied the apparition of the Miraculous Medal to St. Catherine Laboure (thus the field trip). This occurred in Paris in 1830 at the Convent of the Daughters of Charity (think 'Flying Nuns') which was founded by St. Vincent de Paul. 

On the night of July 18th Catherine was awakened by what she believed was her guardian angel and led into the chapel. There she saw Mary seated in the presider's chair. Catherine knelt at her feet and placed her hands in Mary's and remained in intimate conversation for hours. 

On November 27, she returned giving Catherine a vision of the medal she was to have made and distributed. Mary was pictured as beautifully robed standing on a globe while crushing the head of a serpent. Her fingers beheld jeweled rings from which rays of grace descended to the earth. Some jewels were darkened for the graces she has to distribute that no one asks for. The words, "O Mary, conceived without sin, pray for us who have recourse to thee," encircled the image. The opposite side was stamped with the letter M and the cross for Mary at the foot of the cross. Below were the Sacred and Immaculate Hearts. The image was surrounded by 12 (aspostles/tribes of Isreal) stars. Mary said, "Have a medal struck according to this model. All who wear it will receive great graces." 

Catherine obeyed and the medal was initially named, "The Medal of the Immaculate Conception," but was soon called miraculous due to the overwhelming protective and healing effects. By the time of Catherine's death, billions had been distributed. The shrine continues this mission of distribution today. 



One of my favorite Miraculous Medal stories is the conversion of Ratisbonne. He'd been raised in the Jewish faith but by adulthood professed no faith and was particularly hostile to Catholicism. His brother had become a Catholic priest which distressed him greatly. On a dare, he donned the medal to prove it had no effect. He reluctantly entered the Basilica di Sant'Andrea delle Fratte in Rome accompanying a colleague on an errand.  Mary appeared to him exactly as depicted on the medal. His conversion was immediate. He wept, demanded baptism, and eventually became a priest. 

Of course, I can't forget my own connection to the medal. It was at the Shrine on November 5th, 2016 that I first put one on, vowing to ask daily for the grace needed for the day. Without planning, by Advent, I was praying a daily rosary. By July, I began the devotion of the five first Saturdays and the brown scapular. One year after putting on the medal, on November 5th, 2017. I boarded the plane for Fatima and my eventual physical healing. I call this the breadcrumb effect. Mary keeps tossing out little bread crumbs to gently lead us into deeper relationship with her beloved Son. It's such a gentle and simple path, like holding the hand of your mother. 



Ask for Grace



Place your hands in Mary's. She'll take you to her Son. 



Relic of St. Catherine Laboure

Our Lady of Fatima


Speaking of Fatima, Mary appeared six times to three shepherd children on the 13th of each month in 1917 Portugal. She is big on appointments. She asked for reverent prayer to God, especially the daily rosary for peace, repentance, reparation for sins, and devotion to the hearts of Jesus and Mary. She said there would be a miracle at the last apparition which became known as the Miracle of the Sun. 

Surrounded by a crowd of likely 70,000 onlookers in torrential rain, Mary revealed she was “The Lady of the Rosary.” She asked that a chapel be built and the rosary recited every day. The war will soon end and soldiers will return. God is much offended, do not offend Him anymore. Mary opened her hands and launched a ray of light towards the sun, it began to turn, cascading brilliant light in all directions. It then suddenly seemed to crash toward the earth and many knelt in terror, begging for mercy. All present, including many miles away saw the sun dance and leave its fixed place. 


Only the children saw the visions of first the Holy Family as the infant Jesus blessed the world, Our Lady of Sorrows with her pierced heart, and finally, Our Lady of Mount Carmel holding the scapular.  When the phenomenon ended, the rain had stopped and everyone was clean and dry despite their previously muddy and soaked conditions. Many atheists who had come to mock the believers were converted on the spot. 




Next, we studied the apparition of Lourdes to Bernadette Soubirous (sounds like Suburu) in 1868. I love that Bernadette's immediate reaction to the vision was to kneel, reach for the ever present rosary in her pocket and begin the prayer. Mary bowed her head and joined in, only saying the Glory be aloud, since she wouldn't need to ask for daily bread or participate in aves to herself. At the next vision through the prompting of doubters, Bernadette threw holy water at her in case she was of the devil, to which Mary smiled, bowed, and blessed herself. The spiritual and physical healings of Lourdes still speak to the fruits of this encounter. 


We studied the very recent and less known apparition of Our Lady of Kibeho, Rwanda Africa. Mary appeared beginning November 28, 1981and gave warning of the genocide to come, which was unheeded. The first three visionaries' claims have been named worthy of belief by the Vatican. Mary highlighted the value of the seven sorrows chaplet in which we are to meditate on the sorrows which pierced her heart. Her messages here were heavy on mercy and redemptive suffering. I highly recommend genocide survivor Immacullee Ilibigiza's books, "Our Lady of Kibeho" and "Left to Tell." 






Next, we visited to stories of Knock, Ireland which occurred in 1879. This apparition is unique in that so many of various ages witnessed it, and it was a silent vision. On a dark and rainy night August 21st, fifteen people saw an image of light emblazoned upon the outside wall of the humble village church. The figures of Our Lady, St. Joseph, and John the Evangelist stood alongside an altar on which rested a lamb beneath a cross. Angels hovered about. The image remained in place for hours and returned three other dates to others. There was also the phenomenon of unwet pouring rain. The meaning of this pictograph is open to interpretation, but many have described the witness to hope, the meaning of the Mass, Mary's prayer and intercession for us, Joseph's silent obedience, John's role as the Tradition of the Church and Liturgy of the Word, while Jesus, the Lamb of God, as the sacrifice of the Mass. Others see apocalyptic warnings, and local warnings of the famine and persecutions ahead. 


And finally, the grandmother of all Marian apparitions, we studied Our Lady of Guadalupe. December 9, 1531 Mary appeared as "the woman clothed with the sun" from Revelations to a recent Aztec convert to Catholicism, Juan Diego. She gave him the seemingly impossible task of convincing the bishop to build a chapel on the hill which soon resulted in the immediate conversion of millions and the end of human sacrifice in that region. 


Juan Diego missed his appointment with Mary on December 11 because his uncle Juan Bernardino was dying. On December 12, he was hurrying to fetch a priest to administer the sacraments. He took a different route in order to avoid another encounter with the Blessed Mother, embarrassed that he had missed the appointment and not wanting to be delayed in seeking spiritual help for his uncle. Our Lady appeared to him nonetheless, the fourth time, assuring him that his uncle was already cured and instructing him to gather flowers on the top of the hill as a sign to take to the Bishop. “Am I not here who am your Mother?  Are you not under my shadow and protection? Am I not the fountain of your joy?  Are you not in the fold of my mantle, in the cradle of my arms? Do not grieve nor be disturbed by anything. Do not be afflicted by the illness of your uncle, who will not die now of it, be assured that he is now cured.”  Juan Diego trusted Our Lady and found on the top of the frozen and barren hill the most beautiful Castilian roses, not native to Mexico. He gathered them and Our Blessed Mother arranged them in his cloak, or tilma. Juan then hurried to the Bishop’s house. When he opened his tilma to show the flowers to the Bishop, Our Lady of Guadalupe appeared depicted on the tilma. The Bishop immediately understood the truth of Juan Diego’s message from the Blessed Mother and hastened to have the chapel built on Tepeyac Hill. 

The image itself is the most fascinating aspect of this apparition. Despite centuries of being subjected to the elements the cactus fiber cloth which should break down within thirty years, remains intact with its original vibrancy. The manner in which it was made cannot be explained scientifically. The image is a pictograph immediately understood by the Aztecs. She appears as a beautiful young queen that is both virgin and with child. The stars on her cloak represent the constellations as they appeared that Dec 12th night. She occludes the sun which was the god at the time, a god that demanded human sacrifice to continue to shine. Over her womb, is a flower in the shape of a cross, the sign of the Divine and the center of the cosmic order to the Aztecs as she bears the true God. Her hands are folded in prayer and her feet in the dance of worship indicating that she is not divine, but worships the One who is greater. The cross brooch around her neck is the cross of the Spanish missionaries that had until then been unsuccessful in their mission of evangelization. She stands on the moon, a symbol of another ancient Aztec god announcing the true God. An angel with eagle's wings supports the Mother of God. It was the "bird of the sun," now servant to the Virgin. She holds her mantle in one hand and robe with the other, signifying the Son she bears is both of heaven and earth. 

The unifying theme of all of these apparitions are of the message to turn back to God, to pray (especially the rosary) every day, and that we are not alone or without hope in our sufferings. Also, we all share a Mother, who loves us and looks like us and wants our greatest good (heaven) for us. These events are also accompanied by countless conversions and miracles, bearing great fruit, and spreading through the ages. The seers are generally humble and pious unknown people who willingly suffer persecution to spread the messages of Our Lady. Mary's humility and service to God is obvious, as well as her unique cooperative role in the distribution of His grace. May the messages of our dear Lady be heeded as we strive to be merciful to one another and seek to be pleasing to God in all matters. 

Wednesday, May 26, 2021

Beautiful Trauma

After a decade and a half wiled as a SAHM/caregiver/catechist/volunteer, more professional endeavors have fallen into my calendar of late. Though I'm still all those other things too. 

I was asked to give a talk at the annual PAS conference as the mother of a medically complex child. It was a pediatric seminar on ethics and supporting families through the big decisions that come with these complex cases. The conference was originally supposed to take place in Vancouver, which would have been so amazing, but giving the virtual live talk from the comfort of my dining room was a bit less intimidating. O Canada, I'll see you one day. 

It was an emotional experience, reliving some of Ben's early days and reflecting on the sorrows and joys of this complex beautiful life. The combined traumatic and miraculous experiences of all those "gathered" together to share creates an air of wonder and heaviness that is difficult to express. 

Added to that, Ben's cholesteatoma has returned. He had a CT yesterday to determine the extent, but he's likely soon to be undergoing a series of procedures to empty his more troubled ear of all functional parts and to surgically close it permanently. The hope is that he'll eventually be able to achieve hearing through a cochlear device. It's disheartening to be facing these unknowns just as he's headed off to college. But the hope of good hearing and fewer infections is something worth enduring for. 


In my talk, which happened to fall upon the birthday of Padre Pio, I touched on the challenges of this life and the lives of several of my friends in similar situations. But I also talked about all the ways these complicated experiences challenge the world to be better. 

One example, is the book my friend Ann co-wrote with one of her late son's doctors. It's called, Shared Struggles. They compiled stories from parents like me and medical professionals then gave a parent and professional commentary on the situation to help bridge communication and understanding in this unique relationship. My copy arrived the night before I gave my talk. I first read the chapter I'd submitted, so touched that Ben's story is spreading in new and positive ways. I look forward to devouring the rest of the book, especially the ones I know personally. I need to set aside the crying time though! If you know any medical professionals or anyone with a medically complex family member or friend, they need this book. It's available from Amazon or direct from the publisher at Springer. 


When Ben was a baby, needing 24/7 specialized care, his nursing agency could not cover our shifts and we'd take turns going days without sleep to keep him alive. We were at our breaking point and our jobs were suffering. Our friend, Justin, with no medical experience saw our distress and offered to take over a night to let us sleep. He promised to knock on our door if any alarms sounded or if he was worried. He repeated this offer and eventually progressed to handling feeds, meds, and addressing alarms himself. He and his wife eventually became our most trusted respite caregivers. This experience led Justin to go back to school to become a neonatologist. His personal experience of intense caregiving influences his care of countless medically fragile babies today. One little trach did that. 

I began a new part time job at the start of the month. I'm a Resident Advocate for Birthstone Corporation in training to become a certified life coach. I'll be helping select the residents for our program and walking along with these moms coaching them as they achieve their goals of self-sufficiency. It's a dream job in so many ways. Years back when Jason and I were attempting to adopt a baby, again and again we felt like it was the mother we should adopt, so she could perhaps become stable and independent and be able to keep her baby. In a way, that's the goal now, facilitating the environment for families to thrive. 

It's a busy time of transitions and growth, but so edifying to be finding new purpose. I feel led and renew my surrender.