We are Pilgrims on a Journey

Ben and I leave for our pilgrimage very soon. We are packed and ready, but I'll be leaving with some unsettled medical business hanging over me. My neurologist squeezed me in this week and has ordered many tests to address my rather sudden decline in balance and muscle strength. In six months I've developed tight heel cords and hip girdle weakness contributing to my difficulty with walking and inclines. At my last visit I could stand up from a low step stool with some difficulty a few times. This time I could not stand even once. I also have sensory deficiencies, a tremor, muscle cramps and spasms, and most annoyingly, intermittent visual disturbance/blurriness. No wonder I feel old.

I got the blood work done, but still need imaging, skin biopsies, and an EMG (yuck). I've also been ordered to do physical therapy (something I was supposed to start already, but haven't made time for, yes, I know!), so to the locals, I'm looking for recommendations, the closer to home, the better. I was given exercises for the trip to do in the meantime.

So, it looks like we are all set for a three week European tour, right? In some ways this feels like bad timing, really I think it is perfect timing. I've been hopeful that my weakness was temporary or fixable, deeply I'm pretty sure it's not. If my gut is right, now is the time to do big things.

I was talking with a group of women in my prayer group about praying boldly. I shared that when Ben had his first cardiac arrest fifteen years ago, I had no problem praying boldly, actually demanding that God return him to me, no matter the cost. It was out of character for my praying M.O. yet it's just how I reacted. My prayer was answered and I've felt God's help through it all. I'm finding it harder to pray that way for myself. Irrational thoughts like, maybe we're only allowed one big miracle per lifetime, and I'd have to trade in the first one, or maybe this is all in my head and I'm just super lazy, or maybe I'm struggling physically as part of the necessary path for walking alongside Ben. My experiences have certainly helped me have empathy and understanding for his frustrations. And as always, I feel others need things more than I need to be stronger. A wise friend interjected these thoughts would indicate we have a very small god, not the God who Is.

Though I'd prefer to have all this taken from us miraculously, I'm also appreciative of the lessons and oddly can sense great value in hard things. I'm looking forward to having quiet time to mull these thoughts on the pilgrimage. Perhaps this will make more sense to me later, or I'll find the courage to boldly ask for what I want when the right time comes.

Jason presented Ben and I with a send off gift. He so thoughtfully acquired camino scallop shells for our journey. True pilgrims on the Way of St James are identified as they have been for over 2000 years by the scallop shells tied to their packs. The shell is also used as sign markers to point the way. There are many roads that lead to the Compostela de Santiago, like the ridges on the shell. At first I hesitated to tie my shell to my backpack, feeling we hadn't earned the badge since we aren't walking the Camino in the traditional sense. But as many faithful enthusiasts attest, the Camino begins at your own front door. Though we won't be meeting the 100 km requirement, we will be pilgrims on a journey seeking God's voice in our hearts. That counts for something. Buen Camino.